Who am I? (pt 1)

If this looks weird on your screen its because I wrote and posted it on my phone.

Ah the blog. I haven't posted in months. Instead of dabbling into what I've been doing
I'm going to start writing about current affairs.

Who am I?

I watched youtube vids by a self-proclaimed philospher name 'obviously Jesus' about
Ranging from 'free will' to 'love' etc. After I thought to myself, wow. I don't who I am.
It's been a couple of weeks since I've watched those videos and have started to piece
together who I really am.

I am naturally attracted to brunettes. Brunettes with blue eyes are a bonus, but brunettes
is a definate. I do stupid things when I really like someone. This is something that can
Change; but as for being attracted to brunettes; that can't and will never change. It is
Just part of who I am.

I've got a lot of aspiration to strive to become better and I am always finding ways to be
Happy. Happyness is embedded into my head to strive for.

Graphic Design. I love design. I still get excited about it and get an adrenaline rush doing
Anything involved with it.

I am emotional. This will never change. I love getting up early but I also love going bed late.

I'm very open to new things.

Something out of nothing?

*TBE*

The Hustler

My mother.

I've been reading a book called "The Blue Nowhere" by Jeffery Deaver for the past month. The book sometimes highlights social engineering, deception and lies. I'll probably make a post about this book eventually. When thinking about social engineering in reality one thing springs to mine, my mother. She can definitely convince someone she is someone when she is not. I'd give a recent example of this, but that would be exposure.

One thing that has shocked me this week (and its only Tuesday) is that my mum told me she spent around £980 on my brother and sister's trip to London. The shocking part is not the fact she spent £980. The thing that shocked me is that she obtained £980. How?

The logical answer would be she worked and saved up, right? The problem with that answer is that her job isn't consistent. There are no set hours. She could work all week, work 2-3 days or not even work at all. How the hell did she make £980 AND pay the bills AND have fun going out?? She even had time to go on a holiday. She told me it took roughly from March to September to save £980.

But how!? I am so eager to know as I have to save up £1,000 for more important things, like debts. My observations so far are that she took on another form, or forms, of income. I know exactly what those forms of income are, but I'm suprised it can make you £980 fairly quickly (quick with no set hours job). It could have been quicker had she didn't go out much and not go on holiday.

She didn't do anything major, like drug dealing or sell her body, but she didn't play within the rules.

What she did is something I sadly can't emulate right now, but what I can do is emulate the fundamentals; Having a job plus another form of income, whether that's another job or something on the side.

Observing the game

Only 3 posts in 2010. Not good. I'll round up what happened and my thoughts about it in a later post.

I finished my internship in October and have been on the hunt for a job. Job hunting is pretty depressing. Especially when the only direction your bank account can go with no job is down. I've been playing a lot of video games to "escape reality". It's like all my problems are pushed aside and everything is fine when I play video games, the depression soon wears off. This however causes me to not try as hard as I can to find a job.

When you're unemployed there isn't much to do, you don't have to get up early, you don't have to do anything. You don't even have to take a shower everyday because you're doing nothing to make yourself sweat. You're just watching life play out before you. You're observing the game.

I've been observing the game for 2 months now. There has been good times but there has been a lot of bad times, mainly depression...but now it's time to do something productive. Stop observing and start playing. I talk about life being a game because I love video games and, well, life is a game. Life is the only game in which you decide whether you've won or lost. You can also look at other players (other people in life) and decide whether they're winning, won, lost or losing and whether they care about your opinion is their decision. During these 2 months I haven't done anything productive. I think I am losing...badly. So how do I start winning?

I've decided to set myself tasks or objectives every day. Some challenging, some rewarding and some just a downright chore. Then I've got weekly tasks. Tasks that last the whole week which could relate to the daily tasks. Eventually once I get into the swing of things I could even develop monthly tasks, relating to weekly and daily tasks. I've started to live life like a game.

I could get a job this week or next year, but while hunting for a job I better make use of the free time I've got.

Game on.

Sustainable Happiness, does it exist?

When I got the phone call that I was successful in applying for my internship at Currency Solutions for that 2 minutes I was the happiest person in the world.

4 months into the internship I went from happiest person in the world to worrying whether this internship was too long as I started to not learn anything.

I was right. It was too long. I noticed my happy level in this case went from 3 to 10 to 3 again.

is happiness just a temporary state on emotion?

It's hard to be happy, but very easy to be unhappy. The theory whether happiness is temporary can be used in everything. You can buy a new phone and be happy with it for the first few months but eventually more phones come out that are better, phones that you like and phones that everybody uses. That initial happiness that your phone gave you starts to lower; but why should it? You bought that phone because you liked it and it made you a bit, if not a lot, happier.

I currently have a BlackBerry Bold 9000. At the time I bought it; It was old. The BlackBerry Bold 9700 just came out, but I couldn't afford it and I don't like contracts. It made me very happy. Although it is old I can still do modern day activities, like surf the internet and even read emails. Now, more phones have arrived that are better. Phones that I like.

The happiness that my phone gave me has decreased. After much thought I've figured out why:

- I've become used to it

- The volume button seems somewhat broken

- New phones got better cameras than mine

The most important point is 'I've become used to it'. Maybe this is what answers the question whether sustainable happiness exist. In-order to sustain happiness I need (or we as humans need) something that will change. For my phone example, adding a new batch of songs to my phone is enough for me to keep my phone forever. If the volume button on my phone eventually decides to stop working, I will try and get it repaired. If I can't, then my happy level decreases dramatically. Adding a new batch of songs is enough for me to sustain the happiness I have with my phone.

This example can work for anything. A marriage that doesn't change can turn dull and end up in divorce. From initial happiness of "the happiest day in your life" to "you are officially divorce."

It seems inevitable that happiness will deteriorate. That initial happiness will be the highest happiness you will ever have with something or someone. However, Happiness can only be sustained by change and maintenance.

If the services on my phone holds up and the volume button doesn't break; I will be happy with it for a very very long time.

1 year

I am still alive.

From the previous post, it sounds like I committed suicide. Instead of writing a long post of what I said and why I didn't post on this blog I will give a simple reason why I haven't been posting and list highlights from the year.

The reason why I didn't post anything was that I didn't really have any self-discipline. Right now I can say I have some form of self-discipline but also busy.

This starts at the beginning of July 2009 and ends August 2010:

- Unemployed, tried looking for placements, internships and jobs.

- Got a job working for JD Wetherspoons. Needed it, I was in serious debt.

- Graduated, I was very unhappy but put on a fake smile for my parents sake.

- Got into a relationship. Happy.

- Broke up. Sad.

- Failed a driving test. Even more sad.

- Got a 6 month design internship. Very VERY happy.

- Got into a relationship. EVEN MORE happy.

- Got fired from JD Wetherspoons. Not bothered.

- Girlfriend goes on her seasonal job in Crete. Sad.

- Been living off £250 a month through-out the summer. This teaches me a lot.

- Starting to not learn anything on internship. Sad.

- Prepares new work to look for a job again.

This may be weird, but I'm happy the way this year turned out. It is my best year.

Life is depressing when there are no positives

Inspirational words and people.

This is what usually gets me up when I'm down. I don't read story books or "proper" books as some would call it. I prefer reading books that will teach, motivate or inspire. One person I really like is Paul Arden. I always read his books when life gets hard or when I need to hear something uplifting.

But what is the point of all this?

Well due to the global economy crashing and burning. In the U.K, over 2.1 million people are on jobseekers allowance, millions unemployed and everyday people are getting laid-off by mega companies no one thought would ever crumble. Some say I am very unlucky to be graduating straight in the middle of this. Infact I wish I was in year 1 again right about now. Some say at least you'll experience how it feels to be in an economical downturn. Gee...thanks, I just wish I had some preparation before experiencing it. Maybe some finanicial stability before going into the void. I'm not used to paying bills or having a full-time job or even living life without some form of studying involved. If I knew this would have happened; I would taken a gap year in my degree course to generate some kind of safe net. Probably make my "if shit happens" bank account more stronger. Enough about I would. It is what I need to do.

My tutors and guest lecturers warned me about the state of the world. To be honest I was more focused on getting my work done than looking into the future. What I should have done was live now and live in the future. Now work is over its time to find some sort of job.

"Take whatever you can get" - This was my tutors advice on the 20th April, monday meeting. He wasn't kidding at all. I tried to play it smart and research into the design industry in Atlanta before looking for work in London. One of two studios have said its hard to find work as a graduate. My tutor said there isn't enough jobs for the amount of students graduating in the U.K. What he ment to say was that there wasn't enough jobs for the amount of students in the whole world.

There will be graduates out there that will give up before making the starting line.

As for me? well I don't know what give up is. My mum always drilled into my head to never give up and she does set a perfect example. Plus I got all those inspirational books to keep me focused on what I want in life.

Damn I love this blog...